Crucified Hearts

I continue to write in my journal. I still think of myself as a writer, not by profession though I’ve published a few times over the years, but more as a part of who I am. I have to write. It can be very hard, but I like it. I need it. I do it, like many of you, to sort my thoughts and values, understand and test my convictions for what is true, and to satisfy this often mysterious need for self-expression. I am also a teacher, with an impulse to challenge the status quo’s morality from time to time. Am I a scold? I pray not.

Writing is more than that to me, I’m sure, but this explanation will have to do for now.

I came here with what is probably an apology, more to myself than you, a way to assuage my sense of failure for not blogging more often. (Edit: Is that too cliche…how often has a blogging said as much?) My reason, not an excuse, is that I devote weekly time, nearly everyday of the week, toward producing a video or two for my YouTube Channel, Voices in the Garden. Being an auditory learner, if indeed such a thing really exists (some have cast doubts), I find the videos are tools for self-discovery, as is writing, for exploring my own spiritual life. And if you see them, you know they are meant as guidance for the spiritual life of others too.

My ten years as a pastor, in Europe and the States, stay with me as a calling, a vocation I cannot and will not escape. I did resign my pastorate in 2012, a case of discouragement at the time; I’ve continued teaching and preaching in other venues, in other forms since then.

Resigning added more stress to my struggling third marriage; it ended in divorce nearly seven years ago. Has it been so long now? We still keep in touch every few months with Messenger. (Sharon returned “home” to England.) We don’t talk about the past, just family updates, those more frequent now as my parents age with the too common ailments.

As you can see, I’m digressing. Really, I didn’t have a plan at all when I opened my Macbook’s lid. I write and I want to do it more…here. As with past blogs, it’s not polished prose, but first drafts with a quick second edit for glaring mistakes or typos. Laziness may account for this, but it’s acceptable for me for another reason: I need the freedom, the relaxation of sharing as it comes. Blogging has always carried me along with a feeling of immediacy, of realtime contact, another form of social media, that is, if the blog is like this, a personal thing.

If you find me unreadable (you would not have gotten this far) I’m sorry. Like my teachers, my mentors of the essay, I have great sympathy for the reader. I’ll do my best. And please feel free to have a word with me.

That’s enough for now. Let’s see if I can keep this up. Readers or not, it matters to me.